I have started, rewritten, deleted, and thought about this post over and over again. It's so tender and personal to me to share this, but I've never been one to be super private (hence the blog since 2008) so here it goes.
I am unhappy with myself.
Wow, that was tough to type.
I am not unhappy with my life, there's a HUGE difference. I just get myself in miserable situations that I can see coming from a mile away and have no will power to stop. I can do better - and I'm going to do better.
For starters ...
1| I am going to LOSE MORE WEIGHT - I know this is pretty cliche, but I have gained a TON of weight since I quit skating, and started studying for my Series 7. It was a combination of those two that helped me gain nearly 40 pounds again. My body is tired, I'm sick of being fat, I've been fat for years. When I was skating I was starting to see the pounds drop off, and I was getting excited. My knee blew and I sat on the couch and ate for pretty much 11 months straight. So here I am 40 pounds heavier and more unhappy with myself than ever. So I hear you saying "Why don't you do something to change that". It's simple really, I didn't want to. I don't like giving up food, I LOVE food, and I don't like saying NO to myself, or to my spouse. I don't like to make people unhappy, and that includes myself. That being said, my Husband is ready to take the leap and starve himself (just kidding - we have a better plan than that), so I'm jumping on board, and seeing what I can do for myself too. Weight loss and misery loves company. Part of the reason I never share that on here is I don't like proclaiming "I will lose weight" and then fail, and then people say "What happened to you losing weight" and I have to say "Shut it!". So I downloaded this App that helps me track my calories. For the first day of using it I only over ate by 200 calories, I was pretty proud of myself.
2| I am going to BLOG MORE - I have failed as a blogger. I know I write about blogging a lot, but sometimes It's hard to get the ball rolling, and sometimes you just don't feel like sharing your life. Mostly because you think people aren't interested in what you' have to say, or because your life circumstances aren't as interesting as the other blogs you follow. As a blogger I'm going to give it a better effort - write more on here, and spend a lot more time over at my Halloween Blog "Spooky Scary" because I have a pretty decent following over there, and the only way to maintain that is to keep posting. I'm not the best writer in the world, but I enjoy the legacy and the stories. Even the little ones.
3| I am going to SKATE MORE - Injuring my knee was such a huge blow to me. I am still insanely insecure about it - ask Megan. I never wrote about it much but I can't even tell you the kind of depression that followed the revelation that I wasn't going to be able to chase my dream to be a derby girl. When my Physical Therapist looked me directly in the eye and said, "With your knee a full contact sport on wheels just isn't a reality for you" my initial reaction was to punch her in the face, and after that I faced the music, and cried... a lot. I can still skate though, and for a long time I felt like skating without a "purpose" or a "goal" was stupid, so I stopped. It didn't feel good, and I didn't feel good after I went. It was a waste of time and money. But the last couple weeks I really started to miss my skates, the "Me" time that goes along with being on skates, and this sounds stupid but how cool I feel on my skates. I strapped them on Sunday and went for a ride around Pattisons West, and I plan to do that at least once a week if time allows. The reality of the situation is that I did make my goal, I wanted to try to skate Derby style, and I did with PFM and shortly with Jet City, it was great. My schedule and my knee both keep me from being a full time Derby girl, but I'm learning to live with it because I can still watch my BFF Megan play, and I can still skate, and on top of it all, have time to be with my family.
4| I am going to TAKE MORE PICTURES - The 365 project burned me out from photography beyond my wildest dreams. Now I'm 3 years off, I'm starting to feel the bug again, I NEARLY thought about going back to the 365 project, and I slapped myself, and decided that was not a great idea. I considered doing a 52 week project, but again, I don't want to be chained to it, I just want to take more photos. Sign up a few more sessions and enjoy filling up Maybe Someday with photos - shoot me an e-mail I'd love to take photos for YOU! I took nearly 6,000 photos this year, but most of that was in Texas (just kidding... kind of). I'd like to see at least 9,000 this year. That's my goal. Sometimes I feel like I am running out of things to take pictures of, but then I look at my fellow bloggers and realize most of their photos are of their kids, and I'm so not going to have a kid just so I have something to take photos of! So You may see more Aquaman, but at least he's cute.
5| I'm going to DO MORE around the house - I am a terrible housekeeper, so is my husband. I used to be a lot more diligent on this, but I have so much more fun just hanging out with Eric when I get home from work, that my excitement or will power that I may have on my way home from work thinking "I'm going to do this... when I get home" flies straight out the window. Don't get me wrong, we don't live in filth, we just have a huge problem with piles and organization.
6| I'm going to MOVE MORE - I don't mean physically move my house, but just not sit on the couch and watch TV for my free time. It seems like an awful waste of time.
7| FOCUS MORE - On my Career, Family and Faith. This is just obvious - but I'd really like to conquer the Series 7 this year along with the Series 66 and 24 to get that part of my career just OVER with!
Bottom Line? I want to be a well rounded person, I want every aspect of my life to be deliberate. So, This includes relationships, thoughts, use of time, finances, words, how I treat others, what I eat, how active I am, and my faith. I want to recognize and make conscious decisions each day. I don't want to ride through Life I want to LIVE life.
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